“Honey, do I have to ask you to put your dishes in the sink again? Why don’t you just put them in the sink when you finish eating? Are you doing this on purpose to make me nuts?!?”
Have you ever said things like this yourself? How effective were these remarks in getting your desired results: compliance and learning with fond appreciation for you and your suggestions?
So how come we keep doing and saying things in our relationships that we know do not work? Are we stupid? No, we are just not being “Emotionally Intelligent.” Research on emotional intelligence tells us that we can be hijacked by one of the more primitive parts of our brains, the Amygdala. This is where emotional memory resides. When this happens, we are not thinking with the more evolved pre-frontal cortext of our brain, and are swept away by emotion. And not in a good way!
“Emotional Intelligence is the capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships” as defined by Daniel Goleman. Emotional Intelligence is a set of skills that can be learned, by both men and women. We all have choices in how we respond to situations and people. It is important to note that the goal of emotional intelligence is balance, not suppression of your feelings. Emotions are important sources of information and motivation; they are what keeps us connected to ourselves, our world and others.
Emotional Intelligence is what we use to enhance our relationships through our self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills. Yes, this takes work and yes, it is worth it! People who are happy and successful in relationships do well because they know when and how to share something sensitive; or, they wait until the other person is able to hear it. They know how to recognize what their intentions are and how they can accomplish their goals in an interaction. They know how to help another person feel safe enough to also share their feelings. And they’ve learned when to trust their partner’s intentions and state their needs. They are self-confident about expressing their emotions.
LetŐs take the above example, the true intention was probably to express frustration with the fact that the dishes weren’t put in the sink and that you felt this was a personal insult because it meant you had to do something about it, AGAIN! Wow! Well in relationships there is a lot of emotional baggage and backdrop to any communication. Your partner would likely feel criticized, discounted and that you might truly be nuts if you think they did this on purpose to upset you.
In intimate relationships we are most vulnerable to interpreting our partner’s responses through filters we developed in childhood, other relationships, and through the history of our current one. The good news is we can all learn to actively think before communicating our feelings and achieve the loving, connected relationships we want.
Connie Russell is an executive and career coach as well as a clinical social worker. She can be reached at 816.444.3768.
You are being emotionally intelligent when you:
- know what you are feeling, and why
- know that what you are feeling has an impact on your behaviors and on others
- are attentive to the cues you glean about anotherŐs feelings/needs
- tailor your interactions with others by considering their feelings
- manage your reactions and behaviors to achieve the results you want
The Curse of the Amygdala