Couples and the “Other Person” ... Technology
By:Terri Clinton Dichiser

The rapid development and availability of technology is significantly impacting our relationships. Computers, mobile telephones, PDAs, beepers, etc. make our life easier and enjoyable but often with unintended negative effects. Technology is stimulating but most often it is an individual activity and not a way to connect with our partner.

The introduction of more and more technology in our lives has brought about new challenges for our closest relationships. It can quickly erode many of our boundaries and dwindle the limited time we have for each other. Technology can invade our life and become addictive.

Technology and Boundaries
We used to have a clearer boundary between work life and home life. With the advent of laptops, text messaging and mobile telephones, work often comes to our home and family. Many people try to answer e-mails or get caught up on work at home. We also have lost that ability to “get away.” A couple’s alone time will be interrupted by the ringing of the phone. The other person often feels resentful and lonely. Special time is often interrupted by the telephone ringing. The laptop comes with them on vacation and their partner is sending e-mails or surfing the Internet, while sitting alongside the ocean. Couples need to learn how to unplug from technology so they can continue to nourish their relationships. Time is a precious commodity and with technology competing for a piece of the pie, we must learn how to say no and know its place in our lives.

Technology and Relationships
It is an all too common occurrence in my practice where couples experience a crisis over relationships borne on the Internet. One person will be devastated by the discovery of an online relationship. They feel betrayed of their intimacy and trust. The other person’s response is that the relationship was only online, meant nothing, and it wasn’t an affair since they didn’t have sex. It should not be dismissed as the online relationship is usually a sign of a breakdown in communication, sexual dissatisfaction or unmet needs. The Internet relationship offers unconditional support, comfort and understanding. People create a fantasy relationship instead of a real relationship. It is important that the problems in the relationships be addressed and resolved. Running away from the problems will typically result in making the problem worse. Rather, addressing the problem will allow for resolution.

Another crisis that strikes couples is the discovery of Internet pornography or cybersex relationships. This is an important issue to be addressed professionally instead of dismissing as a minor indiscretion. The cyberspace contact can often lead to secret phone calls and real-life meetings. Many people who would not have sought out sex find themselves participating in cybersex. The combination of stimulating experiences, ease of access, low cost and anonymity contribute to overuse and potentially addictive problems.

Technology and Behaviors
Online gambling, compulsive online shopping or compulsive Internet searching also impacts relationships. These activities are often extensions of compulsive or addictive behaviors. With the ease of the Internet, the person can gamble without the casino, shop without a mall and search without a library. This removes many of the previous barriers. I see many people who would not have participated in these behaviors except with the ease of the Internet.

Technology adds value by keeping us in touch with each other throughout the day and connected to one another. It can allow flexibility in our work and allow us to construct work around our relationships. I can work after connecting with my spouse and family instead of staying at the office late and missing out on special times. Technology can save time and energy, but it also takes away from our investment in the important people in our lives. We need to be clear about how technology impacts our relationships, and we need to increase the positive impacts, while limiting the negative impacts.

Terri Clinton Dichiser, M.A., J.D., is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor at Take Charge, Inc. Contact her at 913.642.8877 x4.