Are You True To You?
By: Marty Stanley

Every once in a while you hear a line in a movie or song that seems to sum-up something that you’ve either suspected or weren’t willing to admit. For me, there’s a line from the movie “My Best Friend’s Wedding” that really hit home.

Jell-o Vs. Créme BruleIn the movie, Julia Roberts’ character, a self-absorbed food editor, is attempting to convince the adorable debutante “Kimmie”, (Cameron Diaz), that she’s not a good match for the man they both love.
“He likes jell-o. You are not jell-o! You are créme brule!”

“But I can be jell-o!”

“Créme brule can NEVER be jell-o!”

So there you have it. Créme brule can never be jell-o. So often we women try really hard to be some thing or some one, we are not. As an executive coach I’ve seen it over and over again with my female clients. And heaven knows I’ve also sometimes tried to be “jell-o” in my jobs and in relationships too.

I Can Make It Work
While we may not have used that language, we’ve heard it or maybe even said it ourselves: “I’ll do whatever it takes to make it work.” (Translation: “I can be jell-o.”) Personally, I think that’s a recipe for disaster.

By “doing whatever it takes to make it work,” we often bend, twist and mold ourselves to accommodate someone else, be it a significant other, spouse, parent, friend or boss. My question is, “what makes us think that who we are isn’t good enough that the other person won’t meet us half way in ’making things work’?” Sometimes we go through so many machinations trying to be or do whatever it is that we think will please other people that sometimes the only person who ends up not being happy is us!

Think about it. How many times have you said you’ll do whatever it takes to _ _ _ (fill in the blank)? And let me ask you this, how satisfying was it when you accomplished it? We become so afraid that who we are isn’t good enough we end up disguising it even from ourselves.

Does the Same Apply in Love and Career?
Certainly in love, it seems more clear-cut - at least to me - that it doesn’t work. I’ve known some strong and independent women who become whiny and weak when they fall in love. And it’s not long before their knight in shining armor is scratching his head wondering where that smart and vibrant woman went.

Yet when it comes to work, I have coached many women who have been aggressive and smart and been promoted because they could “get the job done.” Then, all of a sudden, or so it seems, they’re told: “Stop doing that. You’re too aggressive and you’re alienating people.”

And so from a work standpoint, perhaps “doing whatever it takes” can lead to promotions and financial rewards. But depending on the tactics used, it can also come back to haunt us. All of this can be very confusing, particularly when you’ve been promoted and rewarded for the same behavior that is now considered “career limiting.”

Who Is This Woman?
Shakespeare said it best: “To thine own self be true”. When we have spent years trying to be jell-o when we’re really créme brule or vice versa, we may have no idea who we really are. So, explore that. What do you really want for yourself? And are you being true to yourself? At this point in time Ð what do you think is best for you? Is it possible to come up with the answer without asking someone else?

Marty Stanley is a certified business and life coach. She can be reached at 816.822.4047. Marty is a featured columnist for the Kansas City Small Business Monthly and hosts a weekly radio show on 1510AM.