The Three-Career Family
Effective strategies for her career, his career, and the career of the family
By:Terri Clinton Dichiser

You have a busy career, and so does your partner. And, then there’s the work associated with running the household and managing the needs of the family. So, if this sounds like you, know that you are actually not in a two-career family, but a three-career family. The three-career definition elevates the importance of the family and recognizes that each part of this family needs attention in discussions and decisions.

We often dream of nontraditional arrangements, yet end up parenting and building relationships in traditional gender-based expectations. Tradition is very useful in guiding us through difficult times and defining our behavior and should not be discarded. Yet we need to be careful to not allow tradition to limit our relationships by assigning different skills and capacities specifically based on gender. This division assumes you and your partner are incompetent in certain responsibilities. A different approach is to start out with the option that there are numerous possibilities that are open to negotiation. This includes the idea that men can be involved in the family’s emotional issues.

It is also important to recognize your own expectations of your roles and responsibilities. Are you still the CEO of the family? Do you organize and plan the social calendar, deal with emotional issues in the family and manage everyone’s wardrobe? Do you feel like you are THE manager of parenting services? It’s easy for each parent to take on and assume certain duties based on obligations. Instead, recognize that it is important to let go and realize that things need to be divided and shared.

In three-career families, time can be the most precious commodity. Time to: take care of the family, nurture the marriage, build relationships with the children, focus on yourself, develop relationships with others and maintain a social life. It is imperative to be mindful and recognize these competing needs and learn how to work together to prioritize.

Women also have conflicting pressures and social expectations. These conflicts can include: feeling guilty and incompetent for not being able to juggle it all; guilt in asking or needing help; anger at our partners for not stepping up; and expectations of what a “good mother” should do. Be aware of how these thoughts can be destructive to a three-career family and don’t allow them to take root in your daily life.

Many women feel that their second job begins when they come home from work. This second job leaves many women feeling resentful of their partner. The marital pain is often a part of many jokes and talks with other women. “Psychology of Women” highlights numerous studies of two job families in which women perform 60 percent to 70 percent of the household tasks, and the researchers estimate that mothers perform 60 percent to 90 percent of child-care tasks. These statistics still show an alarming disparity in division of responsibilities for child care and housework. Women often become resentful, which can lead to a slow deterioration of the relationship. Some women have said to me that it is easier being divorced because they have one less person to take care of. Discussions need to occur so that the disparity and negative feelings are safely discussed and resolved for all three careers. It is sad that resolution of these issues often leads to women becoming isolated, lonely and giving up.

Remember that both partners are primary in work and family. Both parents are essential for the children. With your partner, reflect on the common and shared experiences as well as the differences in balancing work and family. Ask for help with tasks of sharing work from your family and your support system. It can be helpful to identify with other couples in similar experiences. Manage our own expectations as they can lead to conflict about your arrangements. It is an option that both you and your partner can be a good partner, parent and enjoy your career. Enlist help and try to be help to each other.

Continue to have ongoing dialogue about what skills you each need to bring to parenting and work to be fulfilled by your career, child and each other. We need family-friendly workplaces and open discussions with our spouses and the men in our lives. Three-career families need effective strategies to set them up for success!

Terri Clinton Dichiser, M.A., J.D., is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor at Take Charge, Inc.